One hour ago I was at my favorite coffee shop, sitting on my favorite couch, and I pulled out my laptop to write a blog. I spent about 45 minutes trying to write…and let me tell you…it was garbage. I was trying to write about pain, process, and growth, but nothing I wrote seemed coherent, accurate, or poignant.
Frustrated, I closed my laptop and promptly left the coffee shop, determined to go buy some ice cream, take it home, and watch “House” the rest of the night. I was done.
Driving home, I remained frustrated with myself. Why couldn’t I put a blog together? I pulled up to a stoplight, waiting, sitting in my annoyance. Then the Lord revealed something to me. He showed me that my attitude about this blogging calamity needed the exact same lesson he’s already been showing me with much more important things.
Here’s the big thing he’s given me this week.
It is okay to be in process. AND it is okay for that process to hurt.
So let me tell you how he’s shown me this.
In April I will be going on a two-week international mission trip along with everyone in my Field Leadership Track. This past week, we all received different roles we’ll be playing as we prepare and as we’re on the field. My role was one of particular influence, and particular scrutiny.
And I have failed in my role already. Multiple times. And everyone on the team knows it.
So last night I was talking to Papa, processing through my failures and the team’s perceptions of them, and i was hurting. Working through my failures didn’t feel good at all. Papa said this:
“Drew, these are just growing pains. Allow yourself to be in process. You have this ideal of who you want to be, but you have to allow me to take you there.”
He’s showing me that it’s okay to not yet be the leader I want to be, as long as I let him show me the steps toward becoming that leader. Just like it’s okay to not be the blogger I want to be yet, as long as I keep asking Papa what he wants me to share with you all.
In the bigger picture, it’s also okay for me to not yet be the man I want to be, because Papa is molding me into that man, step by step. It’s okay that he still has a lot he wants to show me, because he’s actually going to continue to show me new things my whole life.
I’ll leave you all with a quote I read today from The Ragamuffin Gospel. It beautifully echoes Papa’s message to me this week.
“In Christ Jesus freedom from fear empowers us to let go of the desire to appear good, so that we can move freely in the mystery of who we really are.” – Brennan Manning
